Thursday, December 4, 2008
A Nobody Like You
So you want a job, do you?
Have we got the perfect position in mind!
It's everything you're seeking.
Even the title is so alluring.
Benefits and everything!
And with a salary to be jealous of.
There's only a few requirements:
- At least 5 years of experience at Big Brand places
(because everyone who has a solid job like that will want to work with a no-name like us)
- Must have at least three degrees - all with relevant coursework to this job
(because that's what school is for - not knowledge)
- Must be proficient in every software known to mankind - the latest versions only
(because we know they're completely unaffordable, that's why we run ours 3 versions behind)
- Must have managed at least three different companies (babysitter)
(because if everyone loved you so much as a boss then why did you leave your last job?)
Still with us?
Don't be afraid.
We don't discriminate!
( We simply want someone who is
30-40 years old - we don't want people to see us as "fresh" or worse, "wise"!
Mulitcultural - but not truly, because different cultures and languages frighten us!
Straight - otherwise how will people take us seriously?
Good-looking - you want us to look the best for our clients, don't you? )
( You you say you aren't?
Looking at your resume...)
Don't worry if you think you're
over or under - qualified that is -
I think you'll find you'll
just fit in perfectly with us!
( We even saved a spot for you, you see.
It's right over here in the
Don't call us, please.
( We won't call you. )
Don't be disappointed.
It's nothing personal.
That's the way this business works.
And who knows?
One day we'll have no one else to hire but you,
Because everyone with experience will have died
And though you don't have any,
And are the only one to apply,
We still won't hire you.
We'll arrange a foreclosure deal,
make a fortune and sit on it,
Until we're dead too.
Because we'd rather do that
than take a chance
on a nobody