Monday, December 22, 2008

Snow Poems

Don't Eat the Yellow Snow!

I know it may look tasty
sitting there along the sidewalk
but trust me- it ain't lemony-sweet.

March of the Snow People

Snow people have rights too!
We don't say it, but you can see it in our eyes
Black as coal.

We're tired of being dressed up
Paraded as second-class citizens
Melted in the prime of life!

Snowmen unite! Snowladies too!
Snowbabes rise up and grab a shovel!
We're marching on Antartica!

We'll make a new country.
Our own country.
A snow country!

And with our corncob pipes,
and button noses held high,
We'll never fear the sun again!

Ice Ain't so Nice

Listen up, kids!
Adults don't really hate the snow.
They hate the ice.
Sliming up the ground,
Making their cars spin around,
Clogging up windows and doors,
Slowing their going to places,
Having to crunch and scrape with
Fingers frozen to the bone,
Wishing they could stay home with you,
Instead of running to work late,
Where even icier glares wait.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

On the subject of Job Hunting...

A Nobody Like You

So you want a job, do you?
Have we got the perfect position in mind!

It's everything you're seeking.
Even the title is so alluring.
Benefits and everything!
And with a salary to be jealous of.

There's only a few requirements:
- At least 5 years of experience at Big Brand places

(because everyone who has a solid job like that will want to work with a no-name like us)
- Must have at least three degrees - all with relevant coursework to this job
(because that's what school is for - not knowledge)
- Must be proficient in every software known to mankind - the latest versions only
(because we know they're completely unaffordable, that's why we run ours 3 versions behind)
- Must have managed at least three different companies (babysitter)
(because if everyone loved you so much as a boss then why did you leave your last job?)

Still with us?
Don't be afraid.
We don't discriminate!

( We simply want someone who is
30-40 years old - we don't want people to see us as "fresh" or worse, "wise"!
Mulitcultural - but not truly, because different cultures and languages frighten us!
Straight - otherwise how will people take us seriously?
Good-looking - you want us to look the best for our clients, don't you? )

( You you say you aren't?
Looking at your resume...
Don't worry if you think you're

over or under - qualified that is -
I think you'll find you'll
just fit in perfectly with us!
( We even saved a spot for you, you see.
It's right over here in the
cabinet. )

Don't call us, please.
( We won't call you. )

Don't be disappointed.
It's nothing personal.

That's the way this business works.

And who knows?
One day we'll have no one else to hire but you,
Because everyone with experience will have died
And though you don't have any,
And are the only one to apply,
We still won't hire you.

We'll arrange a foreclosure deal,
make a fortune and sit on it,
Until we're dead too.

Because we'd rather do that
than take a chance
on a nobody

a nobody
like you.